A Skin Care fairy story...

Once upon a time there was a queen who sat sewing by a black ebony window.  She looked at the black of the window frame, the white of the snow lying on the sill and then as she pricked her finger, the drops of red blood that spattered the snow, and said

“Oh how I wish I could have a child with hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow and lips as red as blood!”

Sometime later, the queen was delivered of a baby girl, who had hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow and lips as red as blood, whom she called Snow White, but soon after that she died (probably from a chill caught by sewing at wintery windows and bleeding on them). The king, being a bloke, soon remarried.

The new queen was very beautiful; she used Dr Hauschka skin care and looked quite a lot like Angelina Jolie, so let’s call her Magnificent, as that’s her name. She had a magic mirror, which could speak when spoken to, and being a little vain she would ask it:

“Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who is the fairest of them all?”

To which the mirror would reply:

“Yo queen! Lookin’ good!

You da the fairest in da hood!”

 (The mirror fancied itself as a bit of a rapper, but being a magic mirror it was also self-dusting which is even handier.)

For some years everything went well, the king spent a lot of time shooting, pheasants and peasants (generally by mistake), the queen got rather bored discussing game recipes with the cook, and Snow White grew up, but though she still (mostly) had hair as black as ebony and lips as red as Blood (MAC’s Dsquared2- Blood Red) her skin was as orange as tango, thanks to her spray tan addiction.  The queen was still looking pretty gorgeous, as she was using Dr Hauschka Regenerating range and practiced her Dr Hauschka facial exercises assiduously. Then one day, as she was doing some de-cluttering, the queen found the magic mirror and asked it:

“Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who is the fairest of them all?” And the mirror replied:

“Yo queen, lookin’ good!

You da the fairest in da hood!

But Princess Snowy would be top totty

 If she wasn’t quite so spotty!”

“Oh really?” said the queen, a sudden glint in her eye (which might have alarmed the king had he been there to see it, rather than out decimating the local wildlife). So the queen gathered together some magic potions and an Apple and went to have a look at her step-daughter.

With her potions and the Apple, she arrived at Snow White’s room, which was a fug of cheap scent, hairspray and vanilla-scented lip balm. Making her way carefully across the floor, which resembled a jumble sale, awash with abandoned clothes, stray shoes, empty spray tan tins and half full coffee cups (which would have excited Alexander Fleming no end, had he been there to see them), she found Snow White “doing her homework” (aka chatting to frogs on Snapchat, buying shoes on eBay, and posting selfies on Instagram).

“OMG, how can you live like this? Yes, I know, I am going and, yes, it is your right to live like this but the rest of us don’t want to live with rats, as, unlike those cups, they will eventually make it to the kitchen. Anyway, I've brought you some Dr Hauschka for your skin and a shiny red Apple so you can look it up online. There’s some Cleansing Cream; it’s not a scrub, so use it very gently, you press and roll; then Intensive Cure 01, it’s wonderful, but expensive, so please don’t leave it on the floor, and tread on it and some Melissa day cream which is for the daytime only, not the night time. Also, some Steam Bath, Clay Mask and Rejuvenating Mask: use them twice a week and you’ll see some serious improvement. And by the way, it’s not just what you put on your skin that matters, you have to make some changes to what you put in it. Less cola and more water, more fruit and veg, fewer burgers and none of that coffee-flavoured hot sweet milk shake stuff in cardboard cups. Also, that spray tan is really bad for you and those wipes have got propylene glycol in, which is what they use in antifreeze, as you’d know if you’d paid any attention when you were doing GCSE science! Plus you need to get out of this toxic fog and get some exercise.”

To which Snow White replied (loudly)

 “God, you’re so mean, it’s not fair! What’s wrong with wipes anyway; everyone else uses them? And I do get exercise; I have to play hockey twice a week- they make me! Plus, I did, like, drink some water last week.”

So the queen left her to it and went to chat up a rather handsome huntsman who was hanging about the stables, but after googling Dr Hauschka for acne, on the Apple, and checking out the press and roll video on YouTube, Snow White did start using the products from her step mother, and tweeted a picture of herself in the clay mask with the hashtags #50shadesofClay #nomakeupselfie #lol #drhauschkaclaymask. In time, her skin lost that Tango glow and after one of the frogs grew up into a prince, she left home to go to university with him, and presumably lived happily ever after.

The Queen, however, put on a suit and some lippie (Dr Hauschka Rose Quartz 16), got a bank loan and opened up a phenomenally successful beauty salon called Magnificent Skin, employing the dishy huntsman as a receptionist, amongst other duties. And she too lived Hauschka-ly ever after. No idea what the king did.